


Tales of the Former

by PlateTheIdiot



Category: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, The Sims (Video Games), Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends
Genre: Abominations, Alternate Universe, Butter and Margarine, Character Death, Crack, Crime Fighting, Dark Brotherhood - Freeform, Demons, Depression, Frost Trolls, GCSE Geography, Man-Eating Fish Women, Moist Golden Syrup, Nuggets, Swagmobiles, Vampires, World Domination, garlic bread
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-15
Updated: 2017-10-04
Packaged: 2018-12-30 04:57:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12101196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PlateTheIdiot/pseuds/PlateTheIdiot
Summary: This is an epic tale of world domination and war. It follows the perspective of several anonymous beings, fighting for survival in a terrible reality of depression, price inflation, sticky substances and evil creatures from hell.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> By Platey et al.

I stared out across the vast pink ocean, thoughts drifting away into the air like wisps of smoke. It was good to forget the great war of the butterflies, where many innocent caterpillars lost their lives. It affected the world greatly. The international butterfly told them to get out of his swamp because he needed his swagmobile. The swagmobile rolled through the hills across the countryside, and the old man marvelled at the rows of yellow flowers. Those flowers REEKED of golden syrup.... mmmm de-lic-iou-uuus! And he wallowed in the shiny, sticky mess. Oh, that sweet sticky mess.. how I long to spend all my time covered in the gloopy liquid coating me...

 Before I knew it, the floor was covered, to the point where I fell through. I didn't know what was happening but luckily a black panther attempted to rule the world with a ragtag group of sloths. They covered the earth with a lot of MOIST golden syrup. They bathed in it and their gross smells destroyed the world.

 The world was reborn, and the pink seas became a beautiful turquoise expanse. But the sea was bitter; an acidic foaming mass, full of man-eating fish-women looking for men to eat (and macdonalds)

 It was the only option. Chicken selects. Chicken selects. Not the nuggets. NO! NOT THE NUGGETS! NOOOOO!

 As the nuggets ran away, the world began to implode. It was as if a black hole had sucked all the happiness away... He was depressed as shit, and the only thing that could help him was the food stashed underneath his bed. Without that, he wouldn't know what to do- except from starve. But he had an important quest to complete... A life or death situation. The pivotal moment in his life he thought, as Thomas the Train man came at him. He lunged at the demon, digging his fingers into its rotten flesh. It screeched at him, as the soft tissue fell away...

 Flesh gone, the skinless beast stumbled away, back into the fiery pits of hell whence it came from.


	2. Chapter 2

That was epic. I couldn't believe it. I had beaten Thomas the train man! For centuries he has terrorised this kingdom and ravished the beautiful countryside with his dangerous off-track driving.

 This was the final straw, the revolution was starting and all because the rabbit had sex with a lamppost. It was a misguided affair, sure, but enough to start a war? Why, one might think that there was a planet made of gemstones. But according to ancient legend, there is. In an alternate universe. The only thing is... the alternate universe was extremely difficult to get to. The adventurer must go through a series of unnecessary trials, including facing their worst fear- that unnecessary heterosexual relationship in their favourite show. Like gosh diddly darn it, let them be gay in pieces of shit. Gay is fine, nothing wrong with a little bit of homosexual relations. But unfortunately not everyone sees the world this openly.

 The evil count had paid a small group of fourteen men to walk from street to street, killing all the residents of the city. However, little did anyone know, there was one sole human still in the city. They roamed around the city, looking at the crumbling, tarnished buildings. Then, they saw a rhino. His name was Johan. And he was in a bad mood. "How dare they take me from my native homelands and leave me in this wasteland.." he grunted.

 He cast his gaze across the wastelands he now made his home, the wind whistling over the desolate, abandoned view. It saddened him greatly, that Freddos were now £23. He remembered the days when they were just 10p per Freddo. But that's inflation for you. Ruining lives. Soon, the smallest chocolate Freddo would cost £999999. Everyone was outraged "We need chocolate, chocolate is our lives!" In an outrage, they protested over Freddos. Freddo was shaking.

 Freddo-or Fred to his friends-had never experienced such protests before. Fred was terrified of the power that the protesters possessed. That's why he had to go with multiple identities. Nobody could know who he truly was. Otherwise the government would exile him to a land where sweets of any kind didn't exist. Sugar didn't exist. How would he live without sugar? AAAAAAAAAAA! His existence was suddenly painful. This is what you get for listening to Jamie Oliver and allowing him to impose a thousand pound sugar tax. He needed to be stopped.


	3. Chapter 3

Sugar tax. The very word singed his ears and made his blood boil. How dare he tax the very fundamental component of all life? After all, it was but a few years ago that all humanity fused with sugar itself, to form a new super-species that's called 'the super-duper-sugar-day-o'saurus': the greatest and most threatening creature ever known to the greater anglia area. But after everything we have been through, facing this creature will be easy. The glucose monster is nothing compared to green lantern, who will defeat anything with its horrendous graphics and wooden acting.

 However, one could not focus on criticisms of district 9 all day, so Jimmy decided to get to business and do his maths homework. "Ugh, maths" he sighed, as he scribbled question after question of endless drivel. "Why is algebra even a thing?!"

 Many hours later, the queen decided to join in with the algebra party, schooling all the youngsters on how to make 'x + y = love'. But unbeknownst to them, once they had made 'x + y = love', x had an affair with a younger more attractive axis, and y became a beautiful yam. But the yam's love life was rather unsuccessful, because nobody really knows what a yam actually is. Do you know what a yam is? Is it an animal? A vegetable? Or maybe an unknown identity, never before seen... but always present; an invisible, omniscient presence. Like god. Yes, he liked that, thought the vegetable, quickly becoming a vigilante called Parsnip Man, who fought crime with his sidekick Pickle Rick.

 At first, he found the crimefighting easy, though eventually he faced the supervillain by stubbing his remaining three toes. That's right. Two on one foot, one on the other. The instability is reeeaalll... Like a spinning top. Spinning round and round, wobbling on its axis. But one day everything is going to calm down. Life will get dull and meaningless; People will contemplate suicide, as well as whether or not to watch the entire teletubbies series or struggle through an episode of The Big Bang Theory, which had been universally decided to be a terrible threat to human life and must be destroyed at any cost.


	4. Chapter 4

Disappointed, the dude stared at his television screen. There were so many rubbish TV shows, and it bored him to death. The only interesting show on TV at the moment was Power Rangers Dino Charge, and he really wanted to watch that. So he did... until the front part of the rhino came charging towards him in a tutu. Jelly the rhino was the most popular porn star to ever porn star, and her horns were to die for. Literally. She'll stab you. That is if the raging sharknado didn't get to you first.

 You had to be careful not to step on all the snails. The path was covered in them. Every time it rained, they would come out in mass. A snail army. It was the goal of this army to slime the whole world, a gooey, slippery, slime-covered world. This was almost as horrific as the golden syrup incident, wherein the world was destroyed. But that was long ago now.

 Another godzilla-type garlic bread ruled over. It rained garlic butter; Hot garlic butter. All of the vampires were banished. Garlic is delicious, mmm I'm hungry for garlic bread.

 But now was not the time to think about food, for it was time to go to war. Everyone was excited for this war because it was different from modern day warfare. The sword is far more interesting than the gun. Today we're going to battle like it's 1066. "GODWINSON!" they cried, as the Normans ran down the hill, bows in hand, cavalry in tow, and then as if pulled by invisible puppet strings stopped in their tracks.

 Waldo the tortoise shrieked; "Stop him! Thomas the train man didn't deserve this!" The macdonalds-eating fish-woman gobbled him up. A faint 'choo' could be heard in the background. Waldo... where is he? Everyone has been looking for him for millennia... but he still cannot be located. Both him and Wally. Are they even real?

 However, Wally could be somewhere. Where? A broken little shack in Albuquerque. He's hidden, even in his shack. His neighbours ridicule him "Wally, where are you?! HAHAHA". He cries every morning before he leaves the shack. "Why did I do that, I feel so terrible now!" he mumbled. But it had to be done; the black sacrament had been performed, and the contract had been made. Finally, Nazeem the bitch was no longer an essential character and could be- no, would be- brutally and terrifyingly slaughtered by frost trolls while just out for a stroll. I did not realise that the area I had passed through- Labyrinthian- was a frost troll haven. But surprise- there were 8 of them.

 And they turned to face him, menacingly. "O shit" he briefly thought, before they all ran towards him, swinging their gorilla arms. But he had his trusty steel greatsword of burning, which he knew they hate. For trolls are not resistant to fire, and would dissolve into a puddle of molten fat on contact. The fat could then be used to coat your skin, as it increases poison resistance.

 The argonians; they too are resistant to poison. Being an argonian member of the dark brotherhood had many advantages. 100% poison resistance. But there are a plethora of other powers that could be more than useful- like flight, or invisibility. Hell, have 'em all! The more powers you have, the easier it will be to take over the world. Get laser eyes and flame hands, and people melt faster than butter.

 mmm..butter. Butter is the thing that makes the cakes so great. But there is a serial butter thief in this neighbourhood. How dairy steal the butter. Now there is a global butter shortage, and we have to live off margarine. I can't believe it's not butter. We're. All. Suffering.

 But butter butts margarine out of the way, as it is the better butter. The true spread. Not some vegetable oil fake.


	5. Chapter 5

 The global butter shortage was a difficult time; Wars were started over the yellowy goodness. However, salvation was found by genetically engineering spiders to projectile vomit butter. And soon the world was polluted with gross inedible yellow stuff as the spider population got out of control, and lampposts broke out of their stances in the grazing pavement.

 "My pole aches" one bellows: "ugh, how long has my light been on for- are they energy saving ones?!" And they pogo-ed into the distance. They made a 'wafih' sound on the way there.

 Jean-Ralphio the pig ran into a wall and bumped his head. He died. He was a national treasure. Poor Jean-Ralphio. We cried. But the tears were only temporary, for he was soon forgotten by the mainstream media. One celebrity dies, and the next fad takes its place, such as obesity, which has been trending. since anime was invented. There seems to be no end to this fad... Nope, there's no end to it at all. It's just a circle- a circle of life [cue the song]. Then Simba is summoned to the sky by a big ole bird. An eagle. The raptor picked up the tiny lion, and deposited it on the other side of the country. Safe from harm.

 But wait, was it really? Because the other side of the country may look nice and safe, but it was all a government scam. "We care about the many, not just the privileged few" droned the old vulture. But she did not care about the many.

 They just danced- they rain danced the years away from the depression the world was in- kind of like a sims game... Which posed interesting philosophical questions about control and free will. Do we have control, or has the player turned off free movement of people. Some people have a real hatred of demographic globalisation, but you have to admit there are economic benefits. It was just then that Steven wished he hadn't dropped out of GCSE geography, as he had no idea what any of the case studies were- even though they often went through them in class. Ah GCSEs; Those were the days. A-levels are just torture. I mean, they actually make us work. How very dare the heartless teachers at CNS school of witchcraft and wizardry.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not explaining anything.


End file.
